Koala Care

How did the koalas of Australia prevent encroachment of their eucalyptus forest?

They formed a coalition.

Greek Improvisation

Because of the tough economic conditions in Greece, many people who have been forced out of their homes are now living in Trojan horses.

Bill Clinton Sums Up Zoology

Bill Clinton walked into an elementary school class when they were talking about animals. He told them he had been on the African safari and learnt about elephants. The Indian elephant is as big as a Hummer. The African elephant is as big as a bus. And the white elephant fits under the table.

Massage Envy

Another flyer in the mail. I remember the first time I went there. They kept trying to get me to sign up for a membership.

Do you want to add a tip?
It depends on how she treats my tip. Get it?:) Ha ha ha.

The Daniel Carver Roast

You wonder how low Howard Stern can go. Now you know.. I woke up and thought, man, I can roast too :

1. You heard Daniel call some people animals. Makes you wonder why he's the one in the cage.
2. Daniel asked them why he was being put in the cage. They didn't tell him it was to protect us.
3. I don't want to know what Daniel would do to someone he doesn't like. I guess his name says it all.
4. What's the difference between Daniel Carver and Judy Gold? Daniel Carver doesn't think he's funny.

Messi The Best

How about a hand for Lionel Messi huh? Brilliant performance today. Y'all enjoy that?

No question Messi's the best. In fact, he's so good, he's the only guy who can score 2 goals at the same time. When he's dribbling past the defenders and getting his shot off, he actually has enough time to be scoring a goal as himself on FIFA 2015 on his iPhone.

Which Girl Always Has a Good Credit Rating?

Bernadette (burn a debt)

I'm Going to Washintgon

I'm going to Washington to make sure Jeb Bush takes a tumble on his way to the podium for his inaugural address. It's a _trip_ I'm really looking forward to.

Setup : Inconvenient

I find it inconvenient to be in the middle seat when I'm flying. It's awkward to reach across someone to grope the flight attendant.

One I'm Proud Of

Provisional patent, here I come.

The British Institute of Social Science came up with a new metaphor for explaining adolescence to parents. They said it's when Harry goes from tomfoolery to dickfoolery.